Don't get me wrong, I'm not just apologizing to you (any readers that stumble by) but, in a way, I'm apologizing to myself, too.
I'm sorry I haven't been blogging recently. Blogging does make me feel better--more connected, more open. I know I've had a few of you that have stopped by relatively often. I appreciate that.
I'm sorry I haven't been writing my stories recently. I signed up for NaNoWriMo and was earnestly excited about it, but then I think (in retrospect) that it freaked me out a bit. I mean, I've written (completing) many short stories and children's stories, and poems a-plenty in my youth, but knowing I have to FINISH a novel-length piece--It's like beginning and ending something you love. I guess I'm not so good at ending something that I love so much. But, I feel like I've abandoned my characters. They're always there, standing along the borders of my brain, tapping their toes and huffing and puffing like actors waiting for the director to give new blocking directions.
But still, my fingers won't cooperate on the keyboard when their files are open. I'm not suffering from "writer's block." I don't give the notion of "block" any weight or power. But fear--honest to goodness, bloodchilling fear of weaker words and piss-poor prose--that stops me in my tracks. The ideas are still circling in my head. The plot is strong, the characters are ready for adventure and growth. But I'm holding them back because I don't want to end things.
I think it comes back to my mother's death in June and the fact the holiday's have just pounced on me. I just realized this morning that I'm hosting my father and my brother for Thanksgiving, but my mother will never join us again. My eldest bil asked if we were all coming to "second Christmas" (their family's rather hobbit-minded when it comes to celebrations). My heart stopped and I stuttered about responsibilities here---I just dread the idea that "second Christmas" might make me cry openly--and what a bummer for the other attendees! It would be very selfish of me to attend and then "rain on their parade."
So I'm feeling sorry about not attending because I'm still feeling sorry for myself. I haven't been meeting my obligations in other ways recently, too. I am supposed to be writing regularly as part of my writing group trio. Instead of getting me to write (as I also supposed it would), I've stubbornly thrown on the brakes. I'm even supposed to schedule the next meeting. But I can't bring myself to open my e-mail and respond or write anything. Ugh.
So, I apologize. To myself, to my readers, to my characters and my kick-ass writers' trio. I'm still getting my head together. I thought I was "over the hump." I didn't expect the holidays to wallop me like they have.
I'm fighting to return...