This blog follows how a romance novel set in the Borders of medieval Scotland is researched, written and hopefully *hopefully* published.

Join me on the writing journey and get inspired to try writing a little romance into your own life!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Romantic Thoughts Few and Far Between

I'll readily admit that I AM "the thing the cat dragged in" recently. Bedraggled, exhausted and struggling to make sure the right money's squirreled away for summer... I'm doing a lot more tutoring recently, and as a result--reading a lot more horrendous examples of standard "5 paragraph essays." I'll probably start to have nightmares where I try desperately to confine my "Hollow Hearts and Hollow Hills" novel into 5 concise paragraphs. Yech!

I'll admit to not having even contemplated a "Romantic Thought for the Day" or a "Romance Writer's Word of the Day" recently.

Frankly, the most excited I've been in a while was when I found my license in my pants' pocket. It wasn't lost after all--woo-hoo!

Tomorrow morning I pack my son and travel south to see my mother again. She has two precious weeks before radiation treatments resume. She can't make the trip here as she's suffering pain in her hip (they will scan it for new cancer as a result). Even if she could get here, we have too many steps for an amputee in her current condition to come up. So she won't get to see the apple trees in blossom. She may never get to see the flock of sheep arriving next week, or the chicks we'll raise for a few weeks in a trailer in the apple orchard so the fluff doesn't ruin my "studio."

This is one of the reasons we all need to be close (emotionally, and sometimes physically) to our roots. My mom and I didn't always get along. I was a good kid, but we didn't always agree on certain things. She was raised Southern Baptist and I... Well, I was not. I got grounded for strange things like not wearing skirts often enough and befriending kids of different religions and races one particular summer.

It probably sounds crazy by today's standards, but my mother always did her best to protect me. However she knew how. She was no ogre, no zealot. Just a mom struggling to raise her only daughter as best she could. I rebelled (of course) and did a few things she still knows nothing about. Some of the things I never told her about because I was protecting her (funny how life circles on us and pins us down). I haven't always been proud of my choices. Perhaps no one is.

Maybe those times, when I drifted from her and opposed her, are why my mother's cancer is wounding me so deeply. She probably won't have the lifespan she should. She may not see my son enter kindergarten or graduate from elementary school. So I feel bitter. How selfish of me, right? How dare I feel cheated when I squandered time before and when I'm not the one truly suffering? Well, I DO feel cheated because cancer may well chaet my son out of his Mom-Mom, and THAT... Well, that breaks my heart.

But writing for me is catharsis, and though it doesn't really fit here, the above certainly doesn't fit on my other blog. So please excuse my venting. I promise, I will return to the more pleasant pursuits of writing romance and having Words and Thoughts here.

I'm just not dealing with this as gracefully as I would have hoped.

I truly hope your lives are calmer and more pleasant...
~Saoirse

4 comments:

The Wandering Author said...

Saoirse, everyone needs to vent now and then. No excuses needed.

writerwoman said...

Glad you are back.

Your comments on five paragraph papers cracked me up and took me right back to high school.

liz fenwick said...

Thinking of you at this difficult time. Thank you for being so honest about your relationship as it sheds light in to all relationships.

Saoirse Redgrave said...

Thanks for your support, gang. I appreciate your support like you can't imagine.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...
~Saoirse

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